Monday, March 29, 2010

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

"I believe that every child in America has the right to fresh, nutritious school meals, and that every family deserves real, honest, wholesome food. Too many people are being affected by what they eat. It's time for a national revolution. America needs to stand up for better food!" - Jamie Oliver

This sounds like a reasonable statement made by someone who is knowledgeable in the culinary arts. I recently sat down to watch Jamie Oliver's food revolution and quickly remembered that south of the Mason-Dixon line is not only a divider for where the North and South were split many years ago during the Civil War, it as well was the imaginary line that separates our country like a time machine, where as everywhere below thinks that eating healthy means lettuce as one of the radio DJ's in the show announced. Basically what I got out of it is that the people of Huntington, West Virginia enjoy being fat and lazy and don't want to be told otherwise. Many frightening things happened throughout the premiere episode.

Jamie Oliver a world renowned chef basically offers to come in and try to train this town how to eat like human beings. He figures starting at their elementary school would be a good start where he finds the kindergartners - 5th graders starting their day with chocolate milk and pizza for breakfast. Now you can call it a breakfast pizza if it has eggs or some kind of breakfast meats but how is it breakfast pizza when it looks exactly like regular pizza. I think maybe they thought because it contained sausage that was a magic loophole. That was nothing compared to the fact that the children in the younger classes could not distinguish what vegetables were which and thought tomatoes were potatoes.

You know that seen in every fish out of water movie where someone walks into a bar and the record skips and everyone stares? That pretty much happens when Jamie meets the "lunch ladies". He calls them lunch ladies and is quickly corrected and told they are cooks. Guess what? You heat up chicken nuggets and microwave pizza, you are not chef, you are not a cook, and you barely deserve the title lunch lady. They sort of reminded me of this:

So anyway this one lady is such a bitch and you'll clearly know who I'm talking about. Basically she gets really angry, really quickly because Jamie Oliver comes in and tells her instead of using all of the professional cooking equipment they have to heat up chicken nuggets and pizza that maybe it would be a good thing to actually use their culinary skills to feed these children something slightly healthier. Now this lady stinks of laziness, her eyes roll at the very thought of having to do anything other than the bare minimum and at all costs she tries to prove Oliver wrong and have him thrown out of the school. Over and over again she claims the children don't wanna eat nuthin healthy, they like their pizza and nuggets. So Jamie Oliver watches the children drink their chocolate milk and eat their nuggets and throw away everything that is healthy on their plates like apples and home made bread. Can I explain something to you lunch lady, they are children, they would eat chocolate bars for every meal if you let them, they would eat crayons and paste if you let them. Maybe the adults should tell them what they should eat, and if they refuse then maybe they'd lose a little weight. I wish to god someone explained to me nutrition and healthy eating habits when I was in High School, I was eating french fries on a daily basis and lived on a fast food diet. It wasn't until one of my good friends educated me on calorie content, sugar content and fat content that I lost 60 pounds.

My absolute favorite part of the show is the red neck radio DJ, he's exactly the stereotypical morning guy and right off the bat you could tell he wanted to say something like "we don't want to eat your faggot food, we eat meat and fried stuff." Basically from the get go is content with being a fat fuck and prefers everyone around him looks like a walking heart attack because well, that's a lot easier then trying to eat healthy. Hey, I'd be the first guy to tell you I'd love to eat junk food and fast food all the time, but seriously you will look like Jabba The Hut and you will be slowly killing yourself. You think things like meth and heroin should be illegal right? You're basically killing everyone in your town by promoting unhealthy eating habits. I don't mean that these people in Huntington just fall off the wagon once in awhile and have Mcdonalds once a week, they show a family who only eats french fries, pizza and ice cream for every meal and they all are on the verge of diabetes.

Jamie gets blasted for saying they are ignorant in their eating habits by the local paper and the entire community gets up in arms over it. Ever hear the saying if the shoe fits? These people all have fupas (fat upper pussy area) you know like they wear sweat pants every day and the waist line is a little tight and where it pinches in their fat it creates the effect of them having essentially two stomachs. Let's not even get into back fat or how all the women look like they 6 tits (4 in front where the bra pinches the actual boob into 2 segments and the side boob that is created from the side fat being pinched by the bra strap. Should he be so nice to them? Should he really kiss their asses and apologize? The children in the school had no idea how to properly use a fork and knife because they had been eating finger foods for so long. I'm all for unhealthy eating once in awhile, but aren't you a little worried about ending up like the fat lady in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"? Is Huntington actually trying to break records for fattest town, because then I mean hey that's great you have a goal in mind.

Overall the show disgusted me and made me feel sorry for Jamie Oliver. The school employees, the local DJ and even the local families seemed to not really understand that they are literally the fattest town in the fattest nation. When the one lunch lady repeatedly rolled her eyes I just wanted to reach through the TV and smack her. IT'S YOUR JOB LADY!!!!!!!! You should understand nutrition and you should be able to cook healthy food for growing children. If everyone did their job as half assed as you planes would be falling out of the sky, bridges collapsing and cars exploding. Why has the school board not fired these women who put the ease of their job above the health of growing children. Now I'm not saying that this is 100% their fault the 50% of the blame belongs on the parents who are farming these young fatties.

I think the most poignant thing Jamie did on the show was when he cut up a raw chicken and then showed the children that this is the white meat, this is the dark meat and this leftover carcass is the shit. He then proceeded to put the shit into a blender and mix it with bread crumbs and filler and then formed chicken nuggets out of it and asked the children if they still wanted these nuggets knowing they are made of bone and cartilage and fat. You'd expect since they just viewed the process that they'd say no way much in the same way if you actually killed a cow in front of them and showed them the process of making burgers it might disgust them. However it didn't phase them really and they all wanted a taste after it was fried up. I'm inclined to say this may be a hopeless battle. Maybe Jamie should start with a town that is the 5th fattest or maybe even 10th fattest? I think going for numero uno might inhibit him from reaching his goal. It really comes down to a few things but mostly it comes down to ignorance being bliss. Whoever said that must have lived in the south and escaped to the north.

This rant has gone on long enough but check out the show and you tell me if I'm being too harsh. I'd rather just watch Jamie's cooking show then see him try to figure out the mindset of hillbilly's who are happy being the fattest people in the fattest town. Maybe they're proud of being number one at something however I think it's not fair to knowingly train your children to be failures, fat, fat failures who can't even walk when they hit their 30's because their tree trunk legs won't carry their 400 pound bodies.

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